59: day 40 Time - Who's time is it, anyway?

What is it about being retired & feeling like we have to justify how we spend our time?

I had lunch with a friend who's been retired for 1 year; she and I discussed something which each of us thought was just our personal perception or experience but which seems universal, at least in our community:

When people ask "So, what have you been doing?" the subtext heard clearly is: "How do you account for your time?" Questioners seem to expect that there will be something Meaningful-with-a-capital-M that we can cite as justification for how our time has slid away in the previous day or week or month.

In my years since retiring, I have filled my time with a variety of interests, activities, and volunteer work. Don't get me wrong, I've loved all (well, most) of it. But in the past several months, it has felt like I was participating in some things because I felt like I Should (capital "S" intentional), because why? Someone was going to judge me.

"Should?" Says who? I'm retired, damn it, and now is when it's time to explore who I have become, where I'm going from here, my relationship with my wonderful husband and adult daughter, love my friends, and give back to the world/community in whatever way I find.

Since moving to my new home (4 years ago), a passion and joy - quiltmaking evolved into an artistic outlet including sales at a gallery. But now that has become "production work" and an obligation and the joy has been sucked out of it. I'm on hiatus - Mental Sabbatical - rethinking, mulling over just working on my own pieces for the sheer joy of it, removing the selling aspect. Selling does not confer legitimacy upon an artist.

I had let things go, or put them on the back burner: personal work I wanted to do for myself: returning to my music, finally organizing ancient photographs, exploring my love of computers and technology, reading, simply "Being."

At lunch, my new friend and I realized that we don't have to account for ourselves. No one is keeping score. Life is for living.

From now on, my answer "What have you been up to?" will be: "So much that I can't keep track." Or maybe simply "Living and loving it."

59: day, um, who knows? Some Things Never Change.

The last time I posted, it was that painful and frustrating non-season of not-quite-Spring...still more snow/wind/rain/crap to come.

Now, 3 1/2 weeks later, we're moving into glorious full-bloom Spring with predictably sunny days and ever-warming temperatures.

I could torture my words into a metaphor for habit-changing, evolving, growing, blah blah blah. But that would be forcing words and thoughts into some neat little package.

Here's the thing - I may be a grown-up on paper. I may be approaching one of those pivotal Passages, moving from my 50s into my 60s. But at heart, I am still a procrastinating 8 year-old; a recalcitrant, emotional, stubborn 13 year-old, a 16 year-old who can't "journal" or keep a diary for more than a few days before losing interest and moving on to something else.

I'd like to think I can change these things but honestly? They are part and parcel of what makes me "me."

And perhaps there's a little personal lesson for myself in this realization - I'm me and that's a good thing. Even the bad stuff is good. It's all a matter of acceptance and finding a way to work with the Me-material I was given when I was born.

I seriously considered giving up on this blog - maybe it's silly, pretentious, self-conscious and who the hell cares what I'm writing anyway?

But then again, the writing itself is somewhat cathartic. Certainly harmless. And if I plunge back in - not every day (obviously THAT isn't going to happen!), maybe at the end of a year, I'll have learned a little something about myself.

Or maybe not. And that's just fine.

59: day 14 part 2...jumping the gun

One of my very best friends in the world sent me a late birthday greeting by email today, wishing me a happy SIXTIETH a full year before I turn sixty.

Sheesh.

I'll just consider it an early greeting for my birthday in 2011.

59: day 14 In the stars

Keeping in mind that I am only AMUSED by astrology (I don't believe in it), this was fun to read in today's horoscope regarding the Pisces period itself:

"Pisces energy is at large. The sun, the moon, Mercury, Jupiter and Uranus are all in the spiritual sign of the fish. Stop searching for answers, and realize that the answers are already in you. You are like Dorothy trying to get back to Kansas on a hot-air balloon. Little did she realize that the ruby-red slippers on her feet were the ticket all along."

My horoscope for today? "You can't be totally "on" all the time, so don't beat yourself up if you miss a beat. Regroup, review, re-strategize. One of your best attributes is that you never lose sight of the long view."

That works for me.

59: day 13 Purpose

I'm wondering if I'm cut out for this blogging business. It's an awful lot like keeping a diary or "journaling." (When did "journal" become a verb?) I've never been able to keep up this kind of thing.

Out of pure stubbornness, however, I think I'll keep at it, figuring the purpose of this blog will emerge. I thought I knew what it was, but maybe it's something else.

I'll know when I know.

59: day 13...Wisdom from the Rolling Stones

My recent lack of focus and productivity has been driving me crazy, especially in light of the fact that my INTENTIONS for this year included focus and productivity and mindfulness. I mean, I don't want to spend this year with a long list of uncompleted tasks on the eve of my 60th birthday.

So today when my drive-in bank's "quote for the day" board read "You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometime you might find/You get what you need. - Mick Jagger & Keith Richards" I thought "AHA!" I might think I WANT to be focused and productive and to get certain pre-planned tasks done. But maybe if I just let things roll, I might get what I need.

So I did - I just let things roll. And I got a pedicure. And it made me very happy indeed.

Thank you Mick & Keith and Bank of America!

59: day 9 Part 3 - 11 random thoughts

Eleven reasons to feel hopeful about my year to come:

1. I exercise and have done so for years.

2. I don't smoke - I quit 29 years ago.

3. I don't drink - I quit 19 years ago.

4. My health is excellent.

5. I am fortunate enough to be retired and doing what I want to do.

6. My life is filled with friends.

7. I volunteer for causes which address crucial human needs - food for instance; as well as aesthetic needs - art and film. This gives life meaning & gives back to the community.

8. I try to be mindful of what I really feel, how I treat others, my surroundings. I try to be aware and honest.

9. I adore my husband and he adores me back - we've been together 3o years.

10. I take none of this for granted.

11. I am thankful - not to anyone/anything/any deity (remember, I am an atheist...or secular progressive if you will). Just thankful.

59: day 9 Capturing the moment

I'd been really hoping for a break in the weather, as we've had so much rain, cloudy skies, and chilly temperatures. This IS Arizona, after all - shouldn't it be a little nicer?

But this morning brought more rain, more wind, more clouds. So I rethought the day - no outside walk; head to the gym instead. The upside - I always try to find one - is that I'll get to listen to my iPod and delve into the latest book I've started reading.

I guess it's just a matter of not letting the unplanned get in the way of the hoped-for (continuing on yesterday's theme) and making the best of the situation.

Around the time I'd come to grips with this day's new plan, the sun broke out for just 5 minutes - and I captured the moment.

So that's my second thought for today: "Capture the moment" whatever the moment is. It won't come around again and if you don't take it in, you might miss it forever.

On to the gym for my workout.

59: days 6-8 Randomness and intention

Despite all good intentions to write something daily about my sixtieth year, leading up to Birthday #60, the randomness of life happened.

I had a supremely busy day on Day 6 - a good day but a busy day filled with happy activities. Launched the day with a step aerobics class AND yoga and spent the afternoon making soup while the rain poured outside and the wind raged all around us.

The photo above was a visual highlight of the day - and, as it turns out, a bit of foreshadowing of the days to come. It was, of course, simply a board covered with the paint splatters left by workers who had been doing some repainting of our fitness center.

The second photo - below - shows a long-shot of the corner where I found the board. Up close, and isolated, the randomness is beautiful and vivid; filled with movement of color and texture.

Maybe that's how I need to view the randomness of events this that come between Intention and Reality every day. What ultimately comprises a day's events, that mess and conglomeration of random & purposeful, is often beautiful in retrospect. Or at least interesting. If not, the next morning brings a new start.

The randomness which came between intention and reality during my past 48 hours? A computer back up glitch which led to endless hours of trying to repair an external hard drive, failing, and then calling tech support, visiting a local Mac repair shop...and on and on. I just took a deep breath, did what I could when I could, and set it aside til today when I could finish the job.

My soup was wonderful - Day 6's soup - served last night, Day 7, to husband & guests while we watched the Academy Awards and answered movie trivia questions during commercial breaks. Apple crisp for dessert, lots of talk and laughter, a great evening. Today life continued, filled with randomness AND purpose. And lots of beauty.

59: day 5 Joy, horoscopes, and skepticism

So...I am not a horoscope/astrology person. I am, in fact, an avowed atheist, although recently I heard the term "secular progressive" and kind of like that as a description of my politics and lack of religion.

But, I still enjoy reading horoscopes and feeling snarky about the frequent disconnect from reality. Every now and then I like to take my day's horoscope as kind of a "thought for the day" - an intention, if you will. It sometimes helps to ground or center my thinking for the day.

Today's horoscope said: "Your joy doesn't issue forth like a geyser; it radiates outward like a sun-warmed stone. Today people stand closer to you than normal. They won't know why, but now you do."

This joy message, combined with the joyful sight of my neighbors' blossoming jonquils (I THINK that's what the little yellow daffodil-ish flowers are) fills today with sunshine - literally and figuratively.

Sometimes horoscopes are fun, as long as one doesn't take them seriously!

59: day 4 Somber anniversary

Today is the 18th anniversary of the death of my mother. She was 2 months short of her 69th birthday and she had drowned in her own bathtub, a half-finished cup of whiskey nearby.

This anniversary always gives me pause, as does the photo accompanying this post. It shows my mother and father, with our brand new daughter, their first grandchild. Mom was 59 - the age I am now. Daddy was 60 - he only lived another 7 years.

So much joy in the photo. So much sadness to come, but we had no idea at that time.

Ultimately, lessons were learned, I have been sober for nearly 19 years (since before my mother died), grief was processed and my parents are remembered with love and forgiveness and deepening understanding.

I learned, most of all, that one person can change my life and that person is me - I am healthier, fitter, happier, more mindful than ever before.

Thinking back to when my mom was my age, though, always brings a tear.

59: days 1-3 Birthday thoughts

Birthdays should start early and last as long as possible. The first of February launches mine, at least in my mind it does. And it doesn't end until the last late greeting has arrived, and invariably cards and emails straggle in through mid-March.

This year I realized just how connecting and personal social networking can be. Contrary to what my Luddite friends think, Facebook is NOT impersonal. In fact, I have never received so many warm, sincere, enthusiastic, and loving birthday greetings as I did this year...dozens of them from friends and relatives via Facebook.

As far as I'm concerned, February is the longest (as in "Will winter ever end?"), the shortest (only 28 days!), and the best month. Once my birthday has passed at the end of February, it's March and spring is either here or on its way. These new daffodils are the first harbinger of spring this year.

Birthdays - such a loaded subject for so many women, but I've never dreaded them, I've never lied about my age, I've never felt anything but "Hey, this is what I am." The older I am, the less birthday fuss I want. I anticipate each new year as it approaches, trying on the new age to come, saying it out loud, testing it in my mind. But the new number is just a number. It's an accomplishment to have achieved whatever age I am and my birthday is a portal to new opportunities, challenges, and who knows what.

Let's see what my 60th year holds. After all, turning 59 just means I've slid (gracefully, I hope) into the 60th year. Far from feeling older, I feel energized and filled with anticipation.