59: day 40 Time - Who's time is it, anyway?

What is it about being retired & feeling like we have to justify how we spend our time?

I had lunch with a friend who's been retired for 1 year; she and I discussed something which each of us thought was just our personal perception or experience but which seems universal, at least in our community:

When people ask "So, what have you been doing?" the subtext heard clearly is: "How do you account for your time?" Questioners seem to expect that there will be something Meaningful-with-a-capital-M that we can cite as justification for how our time has slid away in the previous day or week or month.

In my years since retiring, I have filled my time with a variety of interests, activities, and volunteer work. Don't get me wrong, I've loved all (well, most) of it. But in the past several months, it has felt like I was participating in some things because I felt like I Should (capital "S" intentional), because why? Someone was going to judge me.

"Should?" Says who? I'm retired, damn it, and now is when it's time to explore who I have become, where I'm going from here, my relationship with my wonderful husband and adult daughter, love my friends, and give back to the world/community in whatever way I find.

Since moving to my new home (4 years ago), a passion and joy - quiltmaking evolved into an artistic outlet including sales at a gallery. But now that has become "production work" and an obligation and the joy has been sucked out of it. I'm on hiatus - Mental Sabbatical - rethinking, mulling over just working on my own pieces for the sheer joy of it, removing the selling aspect. Selling does not confer legitimacy upon an artist.

I had let things go, or put them on the back burner: personal work I wanted to do for myself: returning to my music, finally organizing ancient photographs, exploring my love of computers and technology, reading, simply "Being."

At lunch, my new friend and I realized that we don't have to account for ourselves. No one is keeping score. Life is for living.

From now on, my answer "What have you been up to?" will be: "So much that I can't keep track." Or maybe simply "Living and loving it."

59: day, um, who knows? Some Things Never Change.

The last time I posted, it was that painful and frustrating non-season of not-quite-Spring...still more snow/wind/rain/crap to come.

Now, 3 1/2 weeks later, we're moving into glorious full-bloom Spring with predictably sunny days and ever-warming temperatures.

I could torture my words into a metaphor for habit-changing, evolving, growing, blah blah blah. But that would be forcing words and thoughts into some neat little package.

Here's the thing - I may be a grown-up on paper. I may be approaching one of those pivotal Passages, moving from my 50s into my 60s. But at heart, I am still a procrastinating 8 year-old; a recalcitrant, emotional, stubborn 13 year-old, a 16 year-old who can't "journal" or keep a diary for more than a few days before losing interest and moving on to something else.

I'd like to think I can change these things but honestly? They are part and parcel of what makes me "me."

And perhaps there's a little personal lesson for myself in this realization - I'm me and that's a good thing. Even the bad stuff is good. It's all a matter of acceptance and finding a way to work with the Me-material I was given when I was born.

I seriously considered giving up on this blog - maybe it's silly, pretentious, self-conscious and who the hell cares what I'm writing anyway?

But then again, the writing itself is somewhat cathartic. Certainly harmless. And if I plunge back in - not every day (obviously THAT isn't going to happen!), maybe at the end of a year, I'll have learned a little something about myself.

Or maybe not. And that's just fine.

59: day 14 part 2...jumping the gun

One of my very best friends in the world sent me a late birthday greeting by email today, wishing me a happy SIXTIETH a full year before I turn sixty.

Sheesh.

I'll just consider it an early greeting for my birthday in 2011.

59: day 14 In the stars

Keeping in mind that I am only AMUSED by astrology (I don't believe in it), this was fun to read in today's horoscope regarding the Pisces period itself:

"Pisces energy is at large. The sun, the moon, Mercury, Jupiter and Uranus are all in the spiritual sign of the fish. Stop searching for answers, and realize that the answers are already in you. You are like Dorothy trying to get back to Kansas on a hot-air balloon. Little did she realize that the ruby-red slippers on her feet were the ticket all along."

My horoscope for today? "You can't be totally "on" all the time, so don't beat yourself up if you miss a beat. Regroup, review, re-strategize. One of your best attributes is that you never lose sight of the long view."

That works for me.

59: day 13 Purpose

I'm wondering if I'm cut out for this blogging business. It's an awful lot like keeping a diary or "journaling." (When did "journal" become a verb?) I've never been able to keep up this kind of thing.

Out of pure stubbornness, however, I think I'll keep at it, figuring the purpose of this blog will emerge. I thought I knew what it was, but maybe it's something else.

I'll know when I know.

59: day 13...Wisdom from the Rolling Stones

My recent lack of focus and productivity has been driving me crazy, especially in light of the fact that my INTENTIONS for this year included focus and productivity and mindfulness. I mean, I don't want to spend this year with a long list of uncompleted tasks on the eve of my 60th birthday.

So today when my drive-in bank's "quote for the day" board read "You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometime you might find/You get what you need. - Mick Jagger & Keith Richards" I thought "AHA!" I might think I WANT to be focused and productive and to get certain pre-planned tasks done. But maybe if I just let things roll, I might get what I need.

So I did - I just let things roll. And I got a pedicure. And it made me very happy indeed.

Thank you Mick & Keith and Bank of America!

59: day 9 Part 3 - 11 random thoughts

Eleven reasons to feel hopeful about my year to come:

1. I exercise and have done so for years.

2. I don't smoke - I quit 29 years ago.

3. I don't drink - I quit 19 years ago.

4. My health is excellent.

5. I am fortunate enough to be retired and doing what I want to do.

6. My life is filled with friends.

7. I volunteer for causes which address crucial human needs - food for instance; as well as aesthetic needs - art and film. This gives life meaning & gives back to the community.

8. I try to be mindful of what I really feel, how I treat others, my surroundings. I try to be aware and honest.

9. I adore my husband and he adores me back - we've been together 3o years.

10. I take none of this for granted.

11. I am thankful - not to anyone/anything/any deity (remember, I am an atheist...or secular progressive if you will). Just thankful.